I am not an experienced and responsible partner. I would probably lose you in New Look and spend the rest of the afternoon crying into a latte at Costa (other purveyors of cheap shoes and mediocre coffee are available). I don't really do clothes shopping in dedicated shops. Most of my wardrobe comes from charity shops, supermarkets and kindly family members (who, luckily for me, all have great taste).
But I'd abandoned my precious hat in a pub before Christmas and needed to get it back. And while I was in the centre of town, I thought I'd just have a 'quick look' at the sales.
H&M had the advantage of quieter music and now sells cushions, which is nice. You can't really be intimidated by a cushion. They are intrinsically non-threatening objects. But the clothes racks are placed strangely close together. This makes the shopping experience uncomfortably like a real life Pacman, where you bumble along the maze of Christmas sweaters, suddenly see you're about to bump into a ghost / fellow shopper and have to take off sharply, lest you get in the way of another's browsing.
I didn't even attempt Primark. The Primark shopping experience has always seemed to me very close to the experience of shopping in the supermarket. Except without the consolation of being able to head to the dairy aisle for a wedge of brie in moments of stress.
I ended up buying a T-shirt for £2 in H&M. It's a very pretty shade of blue. And has a nice scoop back.
And I got my hat back, so I think we know who the real winner is here.